bummed out and tired

You know, this spring has really, really sucked.

I started out the year with things looking up. January and February were great months. I was feeling good, going to the gym regularly, and I felt like I was in (or getting in) the best shape of my life. Then, WHAMMO! I get hit with a solid left hook – gallbladder surgery. Looking back, I really didn’t think of having my gallbladder removed as a big deal. It’s done hundreds of times a day in hospitals around the world. The hospital, nurses, surgeon, even I treated this surgery as if it were no big deal, as if it was routine.

Therein lies my mistake. You see, for everyone I listed except myself – the surgeon, the nurses, the hospital staff – this was routine. It was the same thing they did yesterday and it is the same thing they’ll be doing tomorrow. No big deal – to them. I shouldn’t have let their routine attitude rub off on me, I should have been more attentive, asked more questions, found out more about what was going to be done.

I have paid dearly for my inattentive attitude.

If you’ve read my blog at all, you know the rest of the story. The simple gallbladder surgery causes internal bleeding, near death, another emergency surgery to put a permanent stent in my lower abdominal aorta, three days in the hospital, two units of blood, and several additional weeks of recovery. To make matters worse, I developed and incisional hernia right in the middle of my abdomen. That required another surgery, which I had last week, and now I am looking at several more weeks of recovery. Several. More. Weeks.

Oh yeah, did I mention that, in the middle of all this crap, I got Strep?

On top of everything, the gallbladder issues happened right during the last third of one of my final classes in my IT masters program. I had to take an incomplete which I am now struggling to make up along with my other course this quarter. I have been on light duty with the fire department since February 18th and it looks like it’ll still be a few weeks until I am able to get back to full status. This has hurt my family financially and me mentally. I need to get back to normal. I know, poor me. I think I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have never been through a time in my life when I have felt this bogged down, overwhelmed, and out of control.

I think what has put me in to this funk is this; I have always had an outlet for my stress – a diversion of some kind – and right now I don’t have anything. Before my weight loss surgery it was food, if I was feeling stressed or down I would eat. I would eat anything and everything and more often than not by the time I was done eating I would feel a little better. Since my weight loss surgery a year ago, my outlet has really been working-out and getting in good shape. This has been especially true over the past 6 months, my workouts had been consistent and I was feeling great. Then all this happens and I am out of the gym, I can’t eat, and everything seems to be piling up at once.

I’m not sure that there is any true solution to this problem. It’s obviously something I need to work my way through, be patient and concentrate on getting better, take one thing at a time, be thankful for everything I have, appreciate my truly great medical insurance. In my mind, I know this. I realize that this will get better, but right now, in this moment, I can’t help but think solely about how unfair this is and how much it sucks. Unfair to me, unfair to my family, unfair to my employers. Unfair.

What else can I say?

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